facing the truth

Weight loss is such a gradual process that, even though you feel different, you don't realize how different you look. People who see me every day, like George and my coworkers, don't perceive it as one big change or a before-and-after. But people who haven't seen me for a while are surprised. I went to my cousin Tammie's baby shower last Sunday and was met with quite a few double takes. Even my sister Jennifer, who hadn't seen me for several months, stopped midstride and shrieked before giving me a hug. "Meliss! WOW! You look terrific!" she said. My cousin, my aunt, and my great-aunt--all of whom saw me last at my wedding in May 2002--told me that I looked "different and really great."

And then there was my brother-in-law (my sister Debbie's husband) who saw me 2 weeks ago and yelled, "Melissa, you're skinny as a rail! What's wrong?" I have never been called skinny before in all my life. I looked at him like he was speaking another language. But why do people automatically assume that something is "wrong"? That I'm sick or starving myself? I eat right and I exercise! That's it, honestly!

I was not prepared for all this. I never got attention (nor wanted it) when I was 13, 14, 15 years old. Those were bad years for me. Ugly years. I had glasses, braces, acne, curly/frizzy hair, and quite a bit of extra weight. The works. Needless to say I was not a confident or outgoing person back then. 5½ years of braces, one hair straightening iron, two dermatologists, a pair of contact lenses, and 30 pounds later, and yet... it's still me underneath.

I think that up until the 20's, your body is mainly a product of genes and hormones; after that you're on your own. Now my body is a product of days and years of hard work. I say no to sweets. I sweat on the elliptical machine. So to me, the way I look now is not a sudden transformation; it is the result of the choices I make every day.

It's not that I don't like getting attention--from men, it's quite flattering--but I'm not used to it and it makes me uncomfortable. I'm still modest and a bit shy. My old glasses and braces and bad skin and extra weight used to keep me safe; eyes passed over me. Now I get noticed. There is a big difference between looking thinner and acting thinner, and I'm still working on self-image and other issues. I've come a long way already, and it's going to take more time before I stop making faces at compliments and simply say "thank you" instead. But I wouldn't go back for a billion dollars.