doctors and doubts

The much-anticipated doctor's appointment this morning yielded both good news and bad news. The good news? I'm already doing what I should be doing: eating well and exercising a lot. Physically, I am perfectly healthy. The bad news? I am probably not meant to weigh less.

Technically, as my my doctor put it, a person's body weight is a function of three things: energy in, energy out, and genetics. My "energy in" (i.e. eating habits) is good. My "energy out" (i.e. exercise) is great. On the genetics side, it is mixed: my father is thin, my mother is a bit overweight. I've never been skinny (10-15 lb. overweight all my life--my weight was not gained as an adult), and I am also fairly tall (5'7½") and have a curvy/muscular build, so he said that my body is probably just not meant to be much smaller than I am now. He stated that most adults have a problem with maintaining weight, and many actually gain weight, throughout adulthood. He is not concerned with me because I have been completely stable since high school (I actually weigh 3 lb. less now than I did when I graduated in 1997). He understood my frustration but he didn't tell me to do more than I already have. However, I agreed to keep a food diary for 2-3 weeks, and he is going to refer me to a nutritionist to see if they can make any other suggestions.

I am, admittedly, a bit disappointed and confused. I had totally expected him to say, "You're right, you need to lose more weight!" All my life I have lived with the written-in-stone knowledge that my weight is Not Normal According to Official Weight Charts. So it is a little strange to hear a doctor tell me that my weight is fine and I don't have to lose that other 10 lb. to be acceptable/normal/healthy. "But... the charts..." I stammered. "I can't tell you not to lose weight if you really want to," he told me, "but as long as you're not gaining, and you're eating right and exercising as you are, you don't need to lose weight."

So let me get this straight: my losing weight is voluntary, not necessary? My initial reaction was to doubt him, shake him, make him tell me that I need to lose weight. I have lived by certain rules for most of my life and to suddenly have those rules changed is quite disturbing. I thought that he was going to be on my side. I was confident that we'd work out a plan, that I'd have to start getting up at 5a.m. and running 10 miles every day, eating alfalfa sprouts and drinking green protein shakes. What am I supposed to do now? Be content?

It's going to take some adjustment. A period of mourning. But at least I know that I am healthy and I am doing everything right. And if I am not meant to lose more than a few pounds, maybe I can finally start to accept that.